Thoughts About Mother’s Day
“I started this journey believing you were somewhat innocent. I had myself convinced you didn’t know what was happening to me. I wanted to believe that was true. As time went on, I realized I had to give up that story. I knew you knew. There were memories of you facilitating my abuse. And then, I discovered how you had trafficked me. But I still made excuses for you. I convinced myself you were a victim who was scared of these men and needing money to survive. I still somehow made you a victim. You weren’t in my life anymore, but I still wanted to give you space to be that victim . . . And I am realizing you spent my childhood trying to set me up for an awful life, a life just like yours . . . So now I am calling you out and writing you off on a deeper level. While I didn’t think it was possible, the ties are severed even more.”
~ Elisabeth Corey, excerpt from “Bye Mother”
Mother’s Day is supposed to be a time to honor the maternal figure in our lives, but for survivors of familial trafficking, the day presents a variety of challenges. As children, we were often neglected, manipulated, gaslighted, violated, ignored, and dismissed by our mothers. As children, we were powerless and trapped. As adults, we must remember that we are now in control. Maintaining healthy boundaries away from abusive messages is vital to our recovery and should be done so guilt-free. Some of us have chosen to limit the amount of time we spend with our families of origin, while others have chosen to cut ties with them completely.
Although the amount of time we spend with family members is negotiable, the reminders of their abuses are often not. Many of us have learned to dissociate from our memories and emotions throughout the year, but it is often impossible to do so on a day such as Mother’s Day. We find ourselves thinking about the mother we wish we had; the one we deserved. The one who would love, protect, and cherish us unconditionally. We grieve the loss of the desired relationship, even more so than the loss of the person we refer to as “Mother.”
To survivors who are suffering this week, I just want to remind you that it is okay to be sad. You are entitled to grieve the loss of this relationship. Processing trauma takes time. Be kind and compassionate with yourself.
Most of all, have a plan. Put together a support system that can be a source of healthy feedback. You do not need a lot of people, just one or two good ones. The trick is to have just enough people to listen, support, and validate your feelings, so that you do not feel alone or abandoned.
If you are venturing out on Mother’s Day, keep plans simple and short. Processing traumatic grief takes a lot of energy and you might find yourself feeling overwhelmed. Plan to do something nice for yourself, anything to minimize the stress you are feeling. Take care of your body through rest, exercise, and frequent meals throughout the day. Bathe yourself in a sensory experience - your favorite sights, smells, activities, foods, textures, animals, people, and nature. Last but not least, consider adding journaling, tapping, and positive affirmations to your routine this weekend.
If you are a mother yourself, choose to shift the focus of the day away from your relationship with your own mother and to that of your relationship with your children or grandchildren.
Keeping the focus on how you can rise above the pain to become the person you wish to become, will keep you rooted in the present, where you are safe, believed, and loved.